Tag: empathy

Blueprint for a Credible Apology . Tasks for the Receiver of the Apology

There is such a thing as a credible apology. I have seen it given, heard the words and witnessed the very moving acceptance. I saw this happen many times. So I have compared what I witnessed to the thousands of non-credible apologies that fall flat. I broke down all the aspects and preparation performed to create a credible apology. The Receiver of the apology will benefit from preparation for hearing and deciding how to react to an apology.

In my line of work, the biggest obstacle of most apologies I see is that the apologizer is prohibited from admitting guilt. I am a forensic foreign language linguist in the judicial and law enforcement fields. My clients, top lawyers, detectives and mediators clear that hurdle with this same process which also works for apologies in your personal life.

You may not be able to accept or benefit emotionally from an apology where the Giver has not admitted guilt. And that is not only understandable, it is your right to not accept an apology. If it shows that the Giver recognizes how you can feel the way you do and that you both have an analogous view of the event and offers regret for the outcome that will take space in the void of not hearing anything at all. Focusing on expectations that the Giver will say exactly what you want to hear sets you up for disappointment. If the giver of the apology is in a position of power, lives a sheltered existence and/or has a large ego may have no experience being wronged in such a way as you were. That type of person needs to be enlightened before they can have empathy.

Part One: Empathy Development

Start with finding out what you don’t know. Why do they feel they did nothing wrong? This will take research and investigation on your part.

·        Define and qualify “wrong” in their terms not yours.

·        Know that the Giver will approach the wrong as qualitative, not quantitative.

·        Know that if the Giver personally committed the wrong then it is a personal event now in his or her life also.

·        Know that if the Giver is a representative or head of the company that committed the wrong that all participants will know about the apology.

The Receiver of the apology should be able to reiterate the POV of the Giver comfortably in their own words.

Part Two

·        Spend the time needed to get comfortable hearing about what stopped the Giver from avoiding or impeding the event from taking place. 

·        Acknowledge the level of difficulty in making such an apology for this specific person.

Part Three

·        Know that you need to acknowledge the apology. But you get to decide if or if not you will accept it.

·        Don’t expect reparations or amends as a part of an apology.

·        Acknowledge the change being made to bar such an incident ever happening again.

·        Express appreciation that they apologized.

The Blue Print for a Credible Apology

Not everyone will apologize, even when facing imprisonment, the destruction of their career, or an established corporation. Many times I’ve seen representatives of Fortune 100 businesses apologize for their role in events to the level of the death of a loved one. And the accepted apologies diffused potential devastation. An apology takes preparation, for both the Giver and Receiver.

The tasks for the Receiver are outlined in a separate blog post.

In my line of work, the biggest obstacle of the apologies I see is that the apologizer is prohibited from admitting guilt. I am a forensic foreign language linguist for the judicial and law enforcement fields. My clients, some of the best lawyers, detectives and mediators clear that hurdle with this same process which also works for apologies in your personal life.

Tasks of the Giver

Part One: Empathy Development

Start with finding out what you don’t know. What do they feel you did wrong?

·        Define and qualify “wrong” in their terms not yours.

·        Approach the wrong as qualitative, not quantitative.

·        Spend the time needed to get comfortable hearing about the Receiver’s circumstances that led to their sensitivity. 

·        Take special steps to assure both the credibility of the wording and body language if a public/media statement will be made.

The giver of the apology who is in a position of power, lives a sheltered existence and/or has a large ego will need to work out the apology in a setting with only a few people who are not subordinates.  Such a person may have no experience being wronged in such a way, so it will have to be introduced and explained in a non- judgmental way.

Others can realize what was done “wrong” from the POV of the Receiver with a simple explanation.

Then discuss and explore facts that support or negate the possibility of an exaggerated baseless claim. The giver should air those out and resolve concerns so they don’t seep into the apology. If an apology is warranted you can apologize for what is based on facts. 

The Giver of the apology should be able to reiterate the POV of the Receiver comfortably in their own words.

Part Two: Create the Apology

·        Outline how the actions aided or contributed or caused the impact suffered by the Receiver.

·        Demonstrate these by describing the incident scenario without said actions and note the different and more desirable result.

·        Practice eliminating justification for your actions and replacing it with optional behaviors or processes.

·        Practice eliminating expressing self-defense and replace it with the responsiveness of the apology.

Part Three: Delivery

Display proper body language that are naturally indicative of sincerity.

The timeline of a credible apology.

·        Start with relating the incident, factually without adverbs or adjectives. This shows that there is a mutual familiarity of the event.

·        Express the role/actions in the incident.

·        Acknowledge the impact on the Received.

·        Express regret.

·        Finally express the change being made to bar such an incident ever happening again.

·        Express appreciation that they gave you the time to apologize.

Scope of Regret 

The Giver will have to regret their actions and the impact of those actions. When damage is more than emotional, do not simply express regret for how the Receiver feels.  That is not an apology it is a rude deviation and it eliminates any perception of regret.